Did I Want to Die?
by BrokenWings66
Summary: Everyone wants to live. Some people want to die. Others can't decide. What happens when death is just as tempting as living? There isn't always a third option one can take. Sometimes, there really are only two possibilities a person can make.
1. Chapter 1

March 29, 2013

_I don't know why I decided to use a journal the first time for the sixteen years I've been alive. I mean, it's good since I have about fifty taking up space in the corner in my room._

_Let me restart. Uh, I guess to start I should say my name right? Well, hell why not? It's not like anyone's going to read this. My name is Lucy Heartphilia. I'm sixteen, turning seventeen in August. Live with my younger brother by one year and my mother. My father is rarely home, but when he is, he always spends the time with the three of us, so I'm not sad about him never being there._

_I guess I decided to write a journal is because since I can't say these things aloud, why not write it? If I do say these things aloud, people will hate me, and that's the last thing I want. There are times I want to scream, but I can't, I must keep my mouth shut, because I'm the person everyone least expects to be a normal person. They think I'm made of titanium, like the kid from the song by Sia and David Guetta, and I wish I was, but even titanium eventually makes a hole when the same spot is hit over and over again. Simple science._

_I just started high school. I didn't do anything that would make me stand out like a sore thumb in middle school. Sure, I was weird, even I know that, but I paid it no mind. Neither did my friend, Levy. We both were outcasts together, and I was fine with that. It was when she told we couldn't go to the same high school. I became determined to be able to survive without Levy, so I went to lots of those sessions that tell you how to make friends and everything. _

_The thing is that I never did it in person._

_Just through the internet._

_Soon, I got really good scores in those sessions, so I was confident in my skills. I always wear my skirt long. I don't want to accidently fall and then let my panties be seen. I also always wear a vest, because then my bra is visible. I shall offer no boy such luxury! Haha, luxury? I made myself laugh. Sorry, I shouldn't write stuff that's unnecessary. Back to what I was originally writing, I came to school, and I told myself I could do this. _

_But, when I tried to talk to people, I would freeze up and my throat would constrict. I felt the sweat build up and my face get very hot. I would dash to the washroom and splash cold water on my face. When I did manage to say something, I always stuttered._

_I tried to make friends, and even tried to make a club where I would meet my sort people. I always made a fool of myself. When something went really wrong, people say, "dude, that wasn't bad, that was Lucy bad!" They would start, but that I easily brushed off. Those things continued to happened, but I wasn't bothered by it. Levy haven't really been in touch, so when I got an e-mail from her, I was delighted._

_But, when we met, it wasn't the Levy I knew. It was someone else. She dyed her black hair blue and it used to be long and straight. Now it was short and curly. Her face was loaded with make-up and she smelled like perfume, when before, she wouldn't even give a bottle a second glance._

_I was shocked to say the least, and I felt self-conscious since I didn't change at all. But, even if her look changed, she was still the friendly and kind person I have always loved. She talked about how sad she was about her boyfriend breaking up with her, and that's why she wanted to meet me._

_I didn't say anything. I shrugged it off, but it still stung that she didn't come to see me to talk about the manga or anime we've been watching recently. Not wanting to depress her over anything else, I told her that I was doing fine in my school, even though I haven't made a friend or talked to anyone._

_We've been in touch, and it was just me over reacting. Even now, we still talk to each other about manga and anime or books. I'm so happy that I have at least one friend who I can somewhat talk to._

_The rest of the year flew by. I always went to an abandoned room to eat lunch because it was easier than trying to eat in the cafeteria with people talking to their friends. It made me jealous._

_People seem to ignore me, but I am fine with that. Loneliness is a friend I've known for a while now.._

_But right now, loneliness feels like a frienemy._

_It was during our school's overnight field trip to a camp. During one game, we were split into groups of five and played a treasure hunt game. We were given maps._

_During Gym I always was chosen last as a partner so the teacher always had to put me into a group, well, not if I faked to be sick or fainted first._

_Something like that happened._

_I was put into a group of four other people who clearly didn't want anything to do with me. We were walking along the trail. I noticed another path that seemed like a short cut. So did another one of my group members. They pointed it out, and they suggested going down it. I noticed worn out danger sign, and I tried to point it out, but they thought I was making fun of them, so they told me to go down the trail while they continued down the current one. They handed me the map and took out a second copy they had. I stood there for a few minutes._

_Soon, I couldn't hear their laughter anymore, I started down the trail. Soon, I saw one of my classmates she was sitting down at the edge of a small cliff, taking a drink of water. That's when I noticed the ground beginning to crumble near her feet. I began to run to her, and I pushed her farther onto the solid ground._

_Only to fall myself._

_I desperately tried to grasp something as I plummeted down the cliff. Tree branches whipped at me, leave little marks all over my body._

_Next thing I knew, I was in water. Normally I was happy, but the water as freezing and stung my cuts, _

_But what scared me the most was how powerful it was._

_I tried to go back up for air, but I was pushed down again by the current. I eventually managed to break to the surface, but no sooner did I take a greedy breath, I slammed against a very sharp rock. I cried out in pain as a dull pain consumed my arm._

_Thankfully it was my right arm, and I write with my left, so I have no trouble writing this._

_I grasped the rock with my left arm. I pulled what strength I had left and clung to the rock. I felt myself get colder and colder. I could barely hold onto the rock. Water constantly splashed in my face, so I couldn't take a proper breath or see._

_I tried to pull myself farther up, but it was futile. Fortunately I soon realized how close I was to land. Ahead of me, a fallen log reached over the water. I decided to risk it._

_I let go of the rock and let my body be pulled until I reached the log. I shot p and grabbed for the log. I cut my hand and blood dripped into the fast moving water. Actually, the water was quite red around me. I pulled myself to shore and dragged my body back onto sweet land. _

_After what felt like an hour of resting, I sat up slowly, only to see the large cut I had on my arm. Blood was pouring out and staining the grass red. What was funny was that I didn't feel it. Not wanting to look at the blood anymore, I ripped off the bottom half of my shirt and bandaged it. I winced in pain, my voice not working. After that painful experience, I headed back to camp. Along the way, I saw my jacket which I just realized had fallen off. It was still warm and dry, so I put it on. Next to my jacket was a bright orange plastic container. It was the object to find in the treasure hunt. Eagerly, I grabbed it and limped my way back to camp._

_I got back to camp in twenty minutes. Hey, I'm not the best when it comes to reading maps._

_Everyone was just coming back, and my group was waiting. I walked over to them, thinking they would be happy I found the container, but instead they stared at me with hatred._

_They claimed I told them the path was dangerous just so I could find the treasure because I cheated and already knew where the thing was and claim the credit._

_Only after they screamed and yelled at me did someone notice my limp and how I was soaking wet. They dragged the other kids away and asked me if I was alright._

_Still in shock, I told them I was fine. Just….tired. _

_I rushed to the camp nurse and showed her my hands and arm. I still laugh at the memory now. She almost had a heart attack. She asked me how I got these wounds, and I said I fell into a puddle._

_Obviously she didn't believe me, but she didn't press me on the matter either._

_I remained in the nursery until the day we came back; then, my mother took me to the hospital and scolded me for a good half-an-hour. Then, my brother came in and scolded me for another half-an-hour. _

_Oh Natsu, I can tell who you got your yelling skills from._

_Then Levy came in with flowers._

_We talked and laughed._

_When I went back to school, I was officially avoided and ignored. I wasn't bullied or anything like that, but I didn't like and still don't like being purposely ignored._

_Naturally, Natsu, Mom and Dad don't know about this. I couldn't bear to tell them. I'm scared that people will treat me even worse. So, I keep this bottled up inside. _

_After a while, things got easier. I'm now used to being ignored._

_I'm used to it, so why am I so crushed and depressed?_

_Yours truly,_

_Lucy_


	2. Chapter 2

April 15, 2013

_Dear Journal._

_Okay, don't get mad at me. Writing daily is asking a lot from me. Things are hard enough already._

_Every Wednesday, I go to the park that's close to my house. There's a playground there where all of the neighborhood kids go to play. Natsu and I used to go there when we were little kids._

_I cherish those days. Natsu used to be so cute and always relied on me. I was proud to be his older sister, not saying I'm not now. He used to look up to me._

_Once, he said he wanted marry me._

_I laughed and told him, "I can't marry you, you're my little brother. Brother and sisters can't get married."_

_I swear he almost cried. I kissed the top of his forehead. He looked at me in surprise._

_He said. "I thought brother and sisters couldn't get married."_

_I laughed again. He was so clueless it was adorable. "Just because I kissed you does not mean we're getting married. It just means I love you!"_

_His eyes became golf balls and he showered me with little kisses on the cheek. I laughed and we tumbled in the sand, our mother videotaping everything._

_Anyways there are these two kids named Romeo and Wendy. They're both around five years old. I go to the bench and read manga, and they always sit next to me and read it with me. After we talked about our thoughts, which usually ended up as Romeo making fun of Wendy during the lovey-doevy scenes, there would be a moment of silence, and I always notice how both of them blush at each other._

_Ah, young love._

_One day, I showed them a little secret fort Natsu and I built long ago. I found it a year ago still in pretty good condition. The three of us fixed it until it was perfect like all those years ago. Now, I barely manage to fit while Romeo and Wendy easily lie within it._

_One night, I passed by the park on the way home from buying some chicken for dinner, when I noticed a lot of people calling Romeo's name._

_I asked what was going on and they told me Romeo had gone missing. The last time he was seen was in the park. I stupidly dropped the chicken. I helped search for Romeo, but no one found him. I was devastated. Romeo was like another little brother to me._

_Suddenly, I had an idea. I raced to the secret fort and sure enough, there lay Romeo inside. He was crying_

_I asked why, and he said "Wendy's leaving. She's moving to America with her parents."_

_I looked at him with soft eyes. I said. "Romeo, shutting you in won't make Wendy leave any latter. It will only make her worry more. You don't want that, do you? "_

_He shook his head._

_I reached out my hand to him. "Well then, why don't you tell her you'll miss her instead of making her worry?"_

_Romeo made a pouty face, rubbed his tears away, grabbed my hand and followed me back to the park. I let him run to his mother. I saw her cry with relief, hit him on the head once, but then cry with relief again. I quickly left, picking up the chicken I dropped._

_Romeo really reminds me of Natsu. _

_I wonder where that little boy disappeared to. One second he says he wants to marry me, next, he constantly tells me to just die and get out of his room._

_Ha, I guess the last part you can't blame him._

_Against his will, Natsu goes to the same school as me, but he insisted that I act like I don't know him._

_At first I laughed in his face and told him "hell no", but then I understood why he wanted me to act like a stranger. I have done a lot of things that can make him wish he hadn't known me. For example, sometimes, I roll around in bed and make a lot of noise playing video games or cry when I read a sad manga. Naturally, he tells me to shut up. One day, I read a manga where the brother secretly loved his younger sister, and was secretly keeping one of her panties. As an experiment to see Natsu's reaction, I left one of my panties in his room, but he just went downstairs, got chopsticks, picked them up, and threw them into the laundry machine. _

_I took offense. Who in their right mind would leave dirty underwear in a room that's not their own?_

_I tried it a few more times until one day Natsu stormed in and threw my underwear at my head._

"_Try that one more bitch and I swear I will send you to hell!" is what he said and then grumbled off. I looked at where he stood before laughing._

_The next day at school, a lot of people had asked me if I was related to him since we both had the same last name. Natsu was there. I grinned at him, and he shot me a glare I didn't even know he could muster._

_I told them I didn't know Natsu, but not so long after, I rushed to my abandoned classroom and cried the first time in six years._

_Really, where has he gone?_

_Now, Natsu still doesn't acknowledge me at school, but at home he's now a bit more talkative._

_He was popular. _

_People were friendly with him, even the upper class men. He was constantly surrounded by people. I am the complete opposite of him, aren't I?_

_Being ignored by everyone has now gotten so far that I skip some classes and go to the abandoned classroom to just sit and think. I catch up easily, so it really isn't a problem for me, but the school also calls my mother asking where I could be. So, when I get home, a scolding is always awaiting for my presence._

_Occasionally, I think of cutting myself. Sometimes even suicide, but then Romeo pops into my head. He now writes constant letters to Wendy, and she eagerly replies. _

_Now, instead of reading manga, he tells me about her letters. I enjoy listening to them, hearing how amazing America is._

_He now calls me "Onee-san, Onee-san! Wendy's written me another letter!"_

_I still love Natsu with all my heart, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel like he needs me anymore, which is quite saddening to me since I'm the older sister._

_Well, once again, I can't blame him. _

_When have I ever done something useful to him?_

_No. No need to get myself sad again. I don't want to cry again. I'm currently writing in the abandoned classroom and there're no tissues nearby. Don't worry, I'm only missing English. It's my best subject, so I'm not worried about any tests._

_Well, this is a journal, so I guess I should explain my feelings right? _

_Ugh, this is why I dislike diaries and everything! I hate explaining things!_

_Anyways, I feel like I'm not needed, because, well, two days ago, Natsu was walking home with a few friends. I was a great distance behind just in case one of them turned around and saw me, suspecting something._

_His friends spotted a stand selling taiyaki, so they raced ahead to it. Natsu stayed behind. He never really had a thing for sweet food. _

_We were walking along a river, and Natsu was walking on top of the dividers, separating the grass hill that led to the river from the road. I got worried that he might fall, but he looked so happy up there, I didn't want to spoil. Unfortunately, my fear came true. Natsu lost his balance and tumbled down the grassy hill._

_I sprung from my hiding spot and dashed down after him._

_His body was floating face up along the river. Ignoring my fear of rushing water, I dived in and quickly swam to his body. The cut on my arm was still not completely healed, and it reopened when I hit, guess what, a sharp rock. _

_Thankfully the current wasn't very strong. I pushed Natsu back onto shore and then pushed myself along with him. I didn't see any injury, thank god. He came to a minute later._

_When he saw me, he covered my mouth and made sure his friends weren't listening._

"_What the hell are you doing?" he whispered to me._

_I bubbled like a baby. I told him what happened. I expected him to at least say thanks and then walk off, but instead, he got mad._

_Really mad._

_He told me I was crazy and I shouldn't have done what I did. I complained, saying he could've drowned, but he ignored my argument. He continued to swear and cuss at me until he couldn't keep his friends waiting any longer. They were already calling his name._

_Seeing how I was shivering, he gave me his uniform top and then left._

_He didn't even notice the blood pooling next to me._

_As happy as I was, I could barely move from the pain I felt from my arm._

_Slowly, I tried a few times to get up before I finally managed to stand. Knowing I couldn't go home like this, I returned to school. I went to the school nurse, who was about to leave._

_When she saw my arm, like the camp nurse, she almost had kittens. She told me to get stiches at the hospital, but I managed to convince her to bandage and my arm and talk her out of calling my mom._

_I bowed many times in thanks and quickly left. The bleeding had stopped, but it still hurt._

_I returned home around 5:00. My mom got really mad at me. My clothes had dried when I got home, so I didn't have to think of an excuse of the wet clothes. After yet another scolding and not being allowed any dinner, I put Natsu's uniform top in the washer and headed to my room._

_I tried to change clothes, but it hurt when I moved my arm. After many painful moments, I managed to put on my light pink and red polka-dot button up pajama top with their matching pajama pants._

_I lied on my bed and tried to think of anything but the pain. I made sure not to lie on my right arm. I stared at my bed window. I didn't care if I missed dinner._

_I felt so useless and it hurt so much. I complained so much in my head about my life. It took me some time to realize that I was crying._

_Natsu knocked on my door. I didn't say anything, being too busy crying._

"_Ha," he called. "No dinner for you, missy! Who's the one in trouble now?" I guess he was expecting a retort, but I didn't say anything. I just cried even harder into my pillow. I guess Natsu wasn't expecting silence, so instead of insulting me again, he said: "Thanks for saving me from the river."_

_I cried myself to sleep. _

_Oh shit, I'm starting to cry again. Argh, why didn't I put a tissue box in here earlier!?_

_Oh, screw it. Natsu, please just hate me or love me. Please stop being in between._

_Though you can't see it, you're tearing the sanity I have left apart._

_Yours Truly,_

_Lucy_


	3. Final Chapter

April 15, 2013

_God, it hurts._

_This pain is inexplicable. Like a mix of pure pain and fire ripping through your body._

_I'm in the secret fort. Oh, all of the memories it holds are good. So pleasant, so happy. _

_I 'm happy I get to die here._

_I know I don't have much longer left, so I will tell what happened._

_After I had my discussion with Romeo and after he left, I took a walk around the park, and then sat back down on the bench. I had a lot of homework, but I would finish it later. I just wanted to relax in the moment._

_Soon, I fell asleep and when I woke up, it was already 8:00!_

_I got up to go home when I noticed a man running towards me. I tilted my head confused. Then our eyes met._

"_GO!" he screamed over and over again. "Get outta here! Now, Escape before he kills you!"_

_That snapped to my attention. Kills me? What is he talking about? He ran up to me and stood before me gasping. _

"_Excuse me sir," I had asked. "But are you drunk?"_

_The man glared at me. "What are you still doing here? Go before he comes and kills the both of us!"_

_I was still confused until I saw him. The man with a knife. _

_Running. _

_Straight. _

_Towards. _

_Us._

_The man in front of me started freaking out, and he stood in front of me, still yelling at me to get out and call the police._

_The strange thing was, I couldn't move my body._

_I wasn't scared or anything, quite the opposite. I was calm._

_Thoughts of all types ran through my head._

_I had wanted to commit suicide all this time, but I never had the courage, so why not use this opportunity?_

_Another part of me yelled no. Think of Romeo, if I'm really unsure if anyone cares about me, I know that Romeo does._

_Wendy also would be very if I died._

_Wendy. Oh yes, Romeo told me that she was coming back to Japan in two days. He said he wanted the three of us to all go out to a fancy restaurant and eat delicious food, of course me paying for everything._

_That thought allowed me to be able to take a few steps back, but it wasn't enough._

"_Go!" yelled the man, and he pushed me back this time. I stumbled and fell, slowly crawling to the entrance of the park. _

_I expected the man to follow me, but instead he stood strong and faced his enemy._

_Oh, I had thought. I wish I was a strong as him._

_The man kicked the one with the knife, but that only pushed him back a few feet. Seconds later, he recovered and was running at the man again._

_It just happened. I don't remember too well. One moment I was scrambling on the floor, the next, I was standing in front of the man; arms wide open like a human shield. _

_Time slowed down as the knife plunged its way into my torso. It didn't hurt. Maybe I was overcome by shock, but it didn't hurt at first. After a few seconds of silence, that's when the pain came._

_I doubled over and hit the ground like a rock in water. I couldn't scream. Like back at the camp, my voice had left me._

_The man with the knife did me the favour of taking it out of my body and dropped it, fleeing in terror of what he had just done._

_The other man raced to my side. "Oh god," he whispered. "Are you okay?"_

_I could've said no._

_I could've said, take me to the hospital right away._

_But I didn't. Instead, I stood up, faced the man, and bowed, as if I didn't have any injury. I crossed my arm over the wound to let less blood flow and make it look less serious._

"_Thank you for trying to defend me." I said. "But don't worry, it's only a scratch, I'll be fine I can go to the hospital myself."_

_The man offered to accompany me, but I refused. "It isn't that serious a wound," I lied. "You should be heading to the police station to report what happened."_

_The man looked at me again. "Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly._

_I nodded and gave him a gently smile. "I'll be fine."_

_The man nodded and dashed into the empty streets._

_I collapsed, all previous strength leaving me._

_With my last effort, I managed to crawl to the secret fort._

_Now here I lay, dying within my own pool of blood._

_I am not naïve enough to think help is coming. Only Romeo, Wendy and Natsu know about this place ._

_They say as you're dying, your life flashes before your eyes. Well, it's true. I feel like I'm looking at a slideshow of my life right now._

_And I realize something. I don't want to die. And while I don't want to die, another part of me does. I think the other part took control earlier and told the man to go off._

_Does that mean I want to die more than I want to live?_

_Bah, I'm just confusing myself._

_Oh dear, I can barely write now, all the feeling in my body is disappearing._

_So, I shall end it like this._

_Natsu, Mom, Dad, I love all of youfrom the bottom of my heart._

_Wendy and Romeo, I wish you both love and happy filled days._

_Levy, I hope you and your boyfriend are happy together, and if you breakup, don't worry. There are always more fish in the sea._

_I love you all and goodbye,_

_Lucy_

Natsu closed the journal. Tears wouldn't stop falling from his face. It was now April 28. Lucy's body had been found five days after she wrote her last entry. Romeo and Wendy had been the two to find the body when they went searching for her. Both kids are currently undergoing mental treatment.

His father was there. The three of them identified the body as Lucy. The man who stabbed her had been caught and his trial will be in two days.

"Lucy," Natsu whispered, tears falling like streams down his face.

"Lucy,"

"Lucy"

"Lucy"

Lucy.

**And that's the end of that. i wrote all of this in one day after I read a manga that was pissing me off about how the main character gets bullied, but isn't depressed and doesn't even realized she's being an idiot. **

**Not saying being depressed is a good thing, but it does make a story more deep.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**-BrokenWings66**


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